I am a 32 year old mom of three, a widow and a survivor. I like that the word survivor describes me as a whole. I was abused most of my life in multiple relationships and survived. I was tragically widowed 7 years ago and survived. I learned how to be a single mom without my best friend and partner and survived. Along the way, each of these situations shaped who I was becoming and what tools I would use to cope. There was work to do because I was battered and just hanging on in the end. Once I became aware of that fact nothing could stop me. I wanted to live my best life and teach my kids to do the same. I don't look back and ever regret anything bad because it got me to this place. I am a positive thinker and a person who talks about her feelings and will listen to others and understand their pain. I understand what suffering did to me and want to tell others about it.
Growing up I lived in a family where everyone was always nice to each other and we spent lots of time together and it was a very positive environment. Despite my father leaving at an early age and not being a part of my life, I had an amazing grandfather who helped to raise me. My mother and grandmother were sweet and thoughtful and very loving as well. In addition, my sister and I had lots of extended family that were also very pleasant to be around with the exception of one uncle. Looking back now I can see the damage he did to our healthy little family. He was my mother's brother in law and we saw him at everything. He was controlling and ill tempered. He made my grandparents and my mother very uncomfortable and they tried not to rock the boat and question him for my aunt's sake. What a horrible pattern it created in our family that lasted over 30 years. Everyone takes a role in situations like that, he was the controller and felt superior and everyone else people pleased and felt like they never stacked up. All for the sake of keeping the family together but ultimately at the expense of ourselves.
While my uncle was still a part of our lives, my mother met a man and later married him. My stepfather was also controlling and extremely mentally and emotionally abusive. Given the fact that my mother, sister and myself already knew how to people please and had already had someone begin to chip away at our self worth he could not have come into our lives at a worse time. Unable to recognize how dangerous and unhealthy our situation was my mom stayed with him for 7 years of my childhood. We left when I was 17. I had no sense of pride, self esteem and faith in my gut instinct or what I wanted for myself in life. I was still a nice person all this time. I was a great friend and very pleasant to be around. I never lost my inner self in many ways. I had just been stripped of my protective shell.
Two years later at age 19 I met my husband. He was sweet and kind and sensitive, just like me! We were happy and had a very gentle and pleasant love. It took only a short time getting to know him to realize that he had been abused as well and was still being abused. His mother, my future mother in law, was physically, emotionally and mentally abusive to him and his sister who was learning disabled. I snapped into people pleasing mode the first time I had met her and looking back I think that is when she new she could do it to me as well. During our first interaction she belittled me and took great pleasure in doing it. That was another nearly 8 years of my life and the beginning of my children's lives before that relationship was severed.
My husband died of leukemia prior to me ending our relationship with his mother. I was broken. I could still care for my kids and put a smile on my face but I was truely no good to them unless I could resolve my past, recognize bad habits (like people pleasing), change them and learn a healthier way to live. The people in my past that abused me robbed me of so much but they threw me onto a path that I am forever grateful to be on. In order to begin to heal I took a leap of faith and found a trauma counselor, a wonderful therapist who changed my life. Once I went to her for the first time I knew I would never be able to go back to my old ways.
Therapy was key to my survival. So many people role their eyes and put therapy down but I am living proof that it can save a life. I've heard so many people say that they talk to their family and friends and that that is their therapy so they don't have to go. Take a leap of faith and, in addition to wonderful friends and family, share with a therapist. Find the right one that makes you feel comfortable and open up. I had no idea what I was doing to put myself in the positions that I had been in to be abused. No, of course I didn't deserve any of it, but my survival habits opened me up to a continuing pattern until I became aware and said "No more.". My years in therapy taught me what my abusers were doing, how I reacted and why it lasted so long as a result. Once you detangle yourself from an unhealthy relationship believe me, you are damaged goods. Even if you never meet another abusive person in your life and everyone around you is healthy, you are left with self doubt, a sense of worthlessness, anxiety, depression, poor health and the list goes on.
I learned to embrace my past because it would teach me a lot. With the help of a therapist I retrained my brain. I believe in keeping myself in safe and healthy relationships. I believe that you are cheating yourself if you enable an abuser and allow them to batter you even if its subtle. I believe that you can advocate for yourself in every situation especially family and expect healthy treatment. Your family life is what shapes you the most growing up. No one has a right to mistreat you no matter what excuse you or they give. Years ago, I consistantly hesitated everytime my gut instinct said something was wrong. Instead, I would people please and try to win my abuser over. I just wanted to make them happy again so it could be pleasant. I continued the pattern of abuse for myself in multiple situations for over 30 years.
Now, I am on my way. When unhealthy relationships come my way I won't accept them in my life or my kids lives. I question them. I can be diplomatic to a degree but I have learned to speak up and protect myself. I've taught my three kids to do the same. They go to school and steer clear of a bully or a kid in school trying to be bossy and mean. They are well on their way and have a healthy childhood. They also recognize why people do those things and that their gut instincts are very important in making good relationships. I see now that all of my suffering was a wonderful lesson that taught me how to be a great role model. Because I was abused and healed my kids will not be abused and know what abuse is. My husband would be so proud of them and of me for being brave and ending something that he couldn't.
I have had a wonderful relationship in my life for over 5 years now and my boyfriend is a positive reinforcement for our lives and our children's healthy upbringing. Life has truely come full circle.
We can't control other people's behavior. All we can control is our own. How we react to mistreatment in our lives is up to us and no one has the right to take that away from us. So remember that! You control your actions and reactions. Let go of someone else's behavior and don't waste your energy trying to change them. Focus on yourself. Place yourself in healthy situations and make it a good life! Listen too to your gut instinct. God gave it to us for a reason! Peace!
